Finally, moving on isn't so bad. I have no more baggage left in any departments and I've gotten my life back on the well needed track. I have been climbing back to the top of the mountain and the view from up here is spendid.

So, hopefully I am back to livejournal. I've missed this place and all the friends I've made on here. I know I've been distant really since May but the good news is - I'm alive. well. and happy.

I've been keeping myself really busy and with it being football season - its a little more exciting then usual. I've been spending a lot of time between here and huntington and my life has been taking one unexpected turn after another.

I have gotten to really get to know my niece - and am loving every moment I spend with her. Being back home isn't horrible after all - I think I am where I am supposed to be right now. Soon I will have my own place, and I am very excited about that. Everything seems to be falling into place.

I'm glad that all my drama has come to a close.

Onward!

i'm making a cd for a friend
i know she will enjoy it
i'm kind of excited about making one
as i havent in awhile

i've been keeping busy
working. being an aunt. working out some.
taking my meds.

life sometimes isnt so bad
once you get the hang of it

anyway i wrote a poem the other day i'll have to post it soon

til then - xo

i should have a flap above my heart that says
"peel back here" i feel vulnerable

a lot has been going on in my life
thank you everyone who has been there for me
either supporting me by emails or messages

there's a line in a song that says
"life throws you curves and you learn to swerve"
i'm swerving a lot lately but at least i'm
learning to do it

there are some positive things that are happening
i wish i could throw stuff out there like i used to
open up and spill everything but i think it will
be a long time before i let anyone else in
because just when you think things are
"forever" they turn out to be a mirage

i got a letter once from a past lover
she wrote:

"I'm so glad that you came into my life. I finally believe that true love does exist and that i do deserve it. You are so beautiful and wonderul, I can't eplain it! I love you with all my heart. My dream of having someone to love and be loved even more then i knew exsisted came true. I know the rest of our lives we will both reach our dreams together. I can't wait to see what the future brings. I love you baby"

Lately not only reading this letter has brought me a little peace because I know that I was loved but it makes me question others and how its so easy for people to give up these days instead of working things out. I'm glad I showed her that she could be loved though and I'm glad that for those moments I made her happy. I am disheartened however when i read about reaching our dreams together.. and what the future brings.. but i'm glad also that someone found beauty in me and actually believed in me even if it was only for a short while. It was worth giving my heart away
and even though she isn't the person i once knew she will always have a piece of my heart.

i remember once her and i layed in bed.. and i told her that i had promised someone something once.. and i felt bad because i couldnt keep that promise.. she told me that people say things that at that moment they mean but later on it's basically ok to not go through with promises or feelings. I guess everything we felt was null and void now - however depressing that is.

i feel as if we never existed together and yet i have some realy good thoughts and memories of us. a lot of pictures of her.
and yet when i look at them.. i dont feel the warmth any longer
and i dont even feel like i know that person in the picture
she was always so sweet to me.... and i knew my feelings to her
were appreciated.. and we had silly photo sessions while laying in bed.. her head on my tummy.. looking up at me.. it was a very nice moment..

anyway i have a date this evening - i dont want to forget
i dont want to even love but i want to feel

i never write because i rarely have anything interesting to say
and no one really wants to hear about how miserable i've been feeling or the pains that i have been having so i've pretty much became a hermit - occasionally i'll go out and play a little pool in a straight bar with all the rednecks... its amusing and at least it makes me laugh

it's funny how one day you can seem to have it all
and the next day you have nothing
how you can continue to love someone even if they dont love
you

i have this love for someone that will never go away
she's hurting right now too and the things that trouble her
i wish i could take away.

right now i truly wish i was in the arms of somene who loves me
doesnt have to be sexual.. could be a friend.. i dont care.. right now i'm just in desperate need of another being breathing next to me.. with thier arms wrapped around me..

it's been to long. i just need to know someone cares.

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

i just want to cuddle with her and hug her
nothing sexual.. just cuddle..

i miss her a lot..

i know something is wrong and she wont tell me
nothing about her is my business
but if she only knew how much i care

*sigh*

i'm hugging her in my mind..and holding her in my dreams..

gah.

i dont feel very well
my tummy is all upset and gross
i think im going to lay back down

today im happy.
the only thing i need is a hug.


i'm off to find a hug..

its late. i just got off the phone with a friend.
the last few nights have been interesting
one of my friends has a toxic infection in her blood
i'm not sure what that means really but she will
find out results of her tests soon

my grandmother is ill and it truly is weighing on me
lisa and i have worked things out and sarah called tonight
which made me smile

i'm learning more on the guitar ;)
i know c, a7, a, g and g7 chords!
and i know them pretty good
i am going to look into getting a
better guitar i love my electric one so im
going to keep that but i need
an acoustic a nice one
i've always wanted a blue one like jewels

the one i'm messing with here is my dads
its ok but it really needs new strings
my dad also bought a banjo
i dont know why he doesnt know how to play
but i guess he wants to learn and im
going to teach him as i go
so i learned a few easy songs :) and i'm proud
i really want to learn to play something of jewels or
melissa ferricks. but that will be awhile.
i'm trying to learn something new because i have
some time on my hands.. im going to take the guitar to
the beach because a guy that is going knows how to
play and i want to learn more .. so i'm doing
something with some of my time anyway.

tonight i went to the store and bought some perfume
i just wanted to smell different.. smells remind me
of a lot.

i'm doing better. the other day i talked with dana and
it made me feel good.. i hope i didnt make her feel bad because i
wasnt meaning too i just wanted to get some things out there and i feel better about a lot. i really love her and she loves me and even if we cant be together its good to know that i'm loved and right now i just needed to hear that.. i know words arent everything.. but sometimes your heart and mind yearns to hear those words from someone who means something to you..

anyway.. its time to take my meds and stuff.. i'm down 15 pounds and my tummy is flattening out some.. i mean not all the way but its a start.. my pants are getting loose..

thanks to everyone who has written me and stuff.. i know i dont communicate or write back as much as i should.. but i will i promise.. as soon as i completely regroup..

i got to see reagan today too.. you know children are wonderful
they love you unconditionally.. i wish adults could love unconditionally....i wish i was in a relationship where i could love unconditionally .. and it be ok..

i had a crazy dream last night
my dad left me at this place
and i had to find my way home
it was odd

well night im talking out my ass now.