A. Girl.

forget_lilly @ 2004-09-21T16:47:00

2004-09-21T20:53:30Z

Finally, moving on isn't so bad. I have no more baggage left in any departments and I've gotten my life back on the well needed track. I have been climbing back to the top of the mountain and the view from up here is spendid.

So, hopefully I am back to livejournal. I've missed this place and all the friends I've made on here. I know I've been distant really since May but the good news is - I'm alive. well. and happy.

I've been keeping myself really busy and with it being football season - its a little more exciting then usual. I've been spending a lot of time between here and huntington and my life has been taking one unexpected turn after another.

I have gotten to really get to know my niece - and am loving every moment I spend with her. Being back home isn't horrible after all - I think I am where I am supposed to be right now. Soon I will have my own place, and I am very excited about that. Everything seems to be falling into place.

I'm glad that all my drama has come to a close.

Onward!

forget_lilly @ 2004-08-21T23:37:00

2004-08-22T03:38:47Z

i'm making a cd for a friend
i know she will enjoy it
i'm kind of excited about making one
as i havent in awhile

i've been keeping busy
working. being an aunt. working out some.
taking my meds.

life sometimes isnt so bad
once you get the hang of it

anyway i wrote a poem the other day i'll have to post it soon

til then - xo

forget_lilly @ 2004-08-18T00:45:00

2004-08-18T04:47:18Z

i should have a flap above my heart that says
"peel back here" i feel vulnerable

forget_lilly @ 2004-08-14T17:30:00

2004-08-14T21:51:33Z

a lot has been going on in my life
thank you everyone who has been there for me
either supporting me by emails or messages

there's a line in a song that says
"life throws you curves and you learn to swerve"
i'm swerving a lot lately but at least i'm
learning to do it

there are some positive things that are happening
i wish i could throw stuff out there like i used to
open up and spill everything but i think it will
be a long time before i let anyone else in
because just when you think things are
"forever" they turn out to be a mirage

i got a letter once from a past lover
she wrote:

"I'm so glad that you came into my life. I finally believe that true love does exist and that i do deserve it. You are so beautiful and wonderul, I can't eplain it! I love you with all my heart. My dream of having someone to love and be loved even more then i knew exsisted came true. I know the rest of our lives we will both reach our dreams together. I can't wait to see what the future brings. I love you baby"

Lately not only reading this letter has brought me a little peace because I know that I was loved but it makes me question others and how its so easy for people to give up these days instead of working things out. I'm glad I showed her that she could be loved though and I'm glad that for those moments I made her happy. I am disheartened however when i read about reaching our dreams together.. and what the future brings.. but i'm glad also that someone found beauty in me and actually believed in me even if it was only for a short while. It was worth giving my heart away
and even though she isn't the person i once knew she will always have a piece of my heart.

i remember once her and i layed in bed.. and i told her that i had promised someone something once.. and i felt bad because i couldnt keep that promise.. she told me that people say things that at that moment they mean but later on it's basically ok to not go through with promises or feelings. I guess everything we felt was null and void now - however depressing that is.

i feel as if we never existed together and yet i have some realy good thoughts and memories of us. a lot of pictures of her.
and yet when i look at them.. i dont feel the warmth any longer
and i dont even feel like i know that person in the picture
she was always so sweet to me.... and i knew my feelings to her
were appreciated.. and we had silly photo sessions while laying in bed.. her head on my tummy.. looking up at me.. it was a very nice moment..

anyway i have a date this evening - i dont want to forget
i dont want to even love but i want to feel

updated.

2004-08-08T04:43:55Z

i never write because i rarely have anything interesting to say
and no one really wants to hear about how miserable i've been feeling or the pains that i have been having so i've pretty much became a hermit - occasionally i'll go out and play a little pool in a straight bar with all the rednecks... its amusing and at least it makes me laugh

it's funny how one day you can seem to have it all
and the next day you have nothing
how you can continue to love someone even if they dont love
you

i have this love for someone that will never go away
she's hurting right now too and the things that trouble her
i wish i could take away.

right now i truly wish i was in the arms of somene who loves me
doesnt have to be sexual.. could be a friend.. i dont care.. right now i'm just in desperate need of another being breathing next to me.. with thier arms wrapped around me..

it's been to long. i just need to know someone cares.

forget_lilly @ 2004-07-14T04:38:00

2004-07-14T08:39:09Z

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-19T01:23:00

2004-06-19T05:24:51Z

i just want to cuddle with her and hug her
nothing sexual.. just cuddle..

i miss her a lot..

i know something is wrong and she wont tell me
nothing about her is my business
but if she only knew how much i care

*sigh*

i'm hugging her in my mind..and holding her in my dreams..

gah.

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-17T13:36:00

2004-06-17T17:37:32Z

i dont feel very well
my tummy is all upset and gross
i think im going to lay back down

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-16T13:07:00

2004-06-16T17:08:08Z

today im happy.
the only thing i need is a hug.

i'm off to find a hug..

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-15T02:18:00

2004-06-15T06:30:21Z

its late. i just got off the phone with a friend.
the last few nights have been interesting
one of my friends has a toxic infection in her blood
i'm not sure what that means really but she will
find out results of her tests soon

my grandmother is ill and it truly is weighing on me
lisa and i have worked things out and sarah called tonight
which made me smile

i'm learning more on the guitar ;)
i know c, a7, a, g and g7 chords!
and i know them pretty good
i am going to look into getting a
better guitar i love my electric one so im
going to keep that but i need
an acoustic a nice one
i've always wanted a blue one like jewels

the one i'm messing with here is my dads
its ok but it really needs new strings
my dad also bought a banjo
i dont know why he doesnt know how to play
but i guess he wants to learn and im
going to teach him as i go
so i learned a few easy songs :) and i'm proud
i really want to learn to play something of jewels or
melissa ferricks. but that will be awhile.
i'm trying to learn something new because i have
some time on my hands.. im going to take the guitar to
the beach because a guy that is going knows how to
play and i want to learn more .. so i'm doing
something with some of my time anyway.

tonight i went to the store and bought some perfume
i just wanted to smell different.. smells remind me
of a lot.

i'm doing better. the other day i talked with dana and
it made me feel good.. i hope i didnt make her feel bad because i
wasnt meaning too i just wanted to get some things out there and i feel better about a lot. i really love her and she loves me and even if we cant be together its good to know that i'm loved and right now i just needed to hear that.. i know words arent everything.. but sometimes your heart and mind yearns to hear those words from someone who means something to you..

anyway.. its time to take my meds and stuff.. i'm down 15 pounds and my tummy is flattening out some.. i mean not all the way but its a start.. my pants are getting loose..

thanks to everyone who has written me and stuff.. i know i dont communicate or write back as much as i should.. but i will i promise.. as soon as i completely regroup..

i got to see reagan today too.. you know children are wonderful
they love you unconditionally.. i wish adults could love unconditionally....i wish i was in a relationship where i could love unconditionally .. and it be ok..

i had a crazy dream last night
my dad left me at this place
and i had to find my way home
it was odd

well night im talking out my ass now.

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-14T00:34:00

2004-06-14T04:35:23Z

i need some good vibes. my grandma tonight her lung collapsed and now
i spent the last few hours at the hospital

this is crazy.

when will my life stop falling apart.

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-13T02:19:00

2004-06-13T06:22:55Z

i got into an argument tonight with my mother
then i went to my cousin's to cool off
now i'm back home
my mom locked me out of the house by locking the
storm door i had to call and wake dad up to let me in
yeah at 2am i called my dad

well jen, my cousins girlfriend makes really good
long islands..

i was so glad to escape this was the first time
i had a chance to talk to someone who was gay
in this area.. it was refreshing.

this really is the wrong house to live in
when you dont want to exist anymore
tonight is bad. i do want to die.
it's beyond depression
it's into the gray.

im going to sleep now, perhaps sleeping off the
misery may do the trick. i dunno. but i threw things
i acted a fool because i could i guess i dont know
something inside is snapping... something inside is
going haywire.. and i cant seem to stop it this time.

i'm tired of being. i'm tired of living a life i
hate living. i'm tired of hating. i'm tired.

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-12T18:43:00

2004-06-12T22:46:38Z

im extremely tired of a lot

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-11T01:52:00

2004-06-11T06:01:51Z

i was going to go to bed but i thought i would try again
to make my pc work and guess what!! it's working!

yay me.

tonight i went and saw shrek 2 it was funny. I thought the first one was better though.

i switched my aol account over so that it bills my new bank
account and tomorrow i need to make a phone call to take care of
something else as well - so i got something done today.

i looked at moving to italy today lol yeah i know a big stretch but hey i'm into doing something intense. i know they say your problems always follow you but there has to be a place far enough away where my heart will forget. so i looked into moving to venice or rome.. lol
it was interesting to say the least.

then i thought about a little bungalow somewhere in mexico. however i dont think i should move there either. i would like to do some traveling i mean why not.. but then again.. hmm.. i dont know.

i'm just rambling. not really making any sense and not really caring at this point. i mean i care but not about whatever my fingers wanna type. .

well i guess my first step would be to get a passport. i'd love to travel. lol. its not realistic. but it's a dream. i'd love to share it with someone and not be alone but then again i could go and observe many museums and architecture etc.. it would be wonderful
but i think i'll start small. i want to go back to nyc and go to the museums there and i want to go to san fran .. see the pacific do a little touring.. wine country.. photo crazy.. sun.. water.. but who knows.. who knows..

in my head i have so many things i want to share with someone but
so much i need to do to satisfy my erges.. my erges to travel.. to see more and to be a little more cultured..

i'm tired.

it's late.

and im hungry - i wish i could get my appettite back, however i am losing a little my tummy is shrinking which is a positive thing. i walked today too and played with the dogs and tanned a little..

i'm trying to stay busy.

i'm trying to forget.

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-10T23:25:00

2004-06-11T03:29:27Z

she tugs so hard and she doesnt try
i know she doesnt care for me
and ever time i just want to scream
i love you..

doesn't matter.. but each time
my heart bursts open and i die all
over again

sigh.

i dont want this to be hard for her at
all but sometimes i wonder if
she feels like this sometimes as well

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-10T15:03:00

2004-06-10T19:06:22Z

i need a new song
all this music is
painfully reminding

i'm hungry
i'm weak
i'm in need of a kind ear and heart

tomorrow will be better.

Moments before sleep

2004-06-09T23:40:29Z

In the night
it's numb
and i toss
pulling covers
drifting out
and in

remembering scent
fingers - eyes
curves of her
back lying
quietly under
new linens
facing away
forever from
my reach

In the night
i'm numb
and i cry
pulling heart
scars open
as memories
flood out
then in

remembering secrets
under palms
marked by an "m"
i find all of
them as i'm
twisting about
fighting sleep
hearing faint
echo's of
good nights and
i love you's

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-08T19:06:00

2004-06-08T23:14:45Z

i'm losing weight which is making me happy :)

i'm just not eating junk or anything bad for that matter
i've drank little pop maybe 2 the last 2-3 weeks and they have been diet - i've been drinking a lot of water.

i'm still waiting on my old job to send me my money.
they sent it out a week ago so im hoping it comes tomorrow or soon.

i've had a lot on my mind since zeke died. i always thought a lot about the person i would settle down with and be with in my elder years.. but lately i've been thinking about today and nothing else.

i feel so drained lately mostly because of him dying and the job market - i am most likely going to move to a city. it's all up in the air as of where. I've been searching online for somewhere near the ocean. might as well i've always wanted to live by the water.. we shall see.. i have nothing really keeping me here so we will see.. plus i really want a job to where i can have the things i want etc.... dana told me about an artsy town in North Carolina once, perhaps i'll check it out.. i want somewhere that has some history.. some culture.. and art.. plus i dont want to live in a closed minded environment.

we will see.

:)

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-06T20:39:00

2004-06-07T00:46:36Z

a friend of mine died yesterday morning
i went to the viewing today i was there from 4pm -8 it's been a long day

sometimes it really sucks to be alone, just when you really feel like you need someone to hold you no one is there - i guess today life just hit me in the face - it's ok to live a mircle of sorts but so is dying i see the plus sides to both situations

anyway regardless i feel sorry for the family and the loss but right now its kind of hard to feel

i'm pretty much waiting on my check to come so i can make a few changes and get a few things done that need done.

well my lack in communication here is for many reasons.. but the main one is i have to use my mothers pc because i cant get mine to connect to the net.. so i only hop online every 2 days..

well i better go eat.. seeming as i havent had anything today. its not just being depressed over me.. but losing people.. sucks.. death sucks to some degree.

im going to go eat and lay day. job hunting tomorrow.

yay.

forget_lilly @ 2004-06-03T11:22:00

2004-06-03T15:52:29Z

making truth with my soul.

this week i have made many turns and
choices that will be for the better
yes, i will miss Dana but she said something
that burnt into my core and hasnt left me
her words were strong and full of meaning
she forced herself by my actions to choose
a better path and give up on me and the love
i had - but i was driving and i realized
i didnt have anywhere i had to be
i didnt have any rules or anyone stopping my
choices and even though i loved her
her words echo and forces all the love i
had deep down drowned by words.

i once thought words were my friend
but they are not they are my enemy
its amazing how much words dont say
and how even though you may pick the wrong action
it just doesnt matter

i heard a song it talked about a man who lost his blue eyed girl and that he hopes the person well who is holding his blue eyed girl tonight... well i'm at that point.. i want her to be loved and i want her to give love.. i cant explain to anyone how wonderful of a person Dana is and how whomever she ends up with will be a very happy person..

the last few days ive smiled and i've laughed
i've gotten joy back into my life and it does make all the difference.

i hope that somewhere she is smiling.. and that she's doing good... i didnt mean to bring her down or ever hurt her.. and if i were still with her i would of made some changes..

i've learned that even if you love someone and you tell them and you hold them close it doesnt matter.. you have to hold them tighter and never give up or think that your relationship is stable or comfortable.. because once you get comfy you start to slack.. i wish that iwould of never slacked off.. and have lived for her love everyday just as strong.. she's amazing.. and i hope that soon someone else gets a chance to feel that fire.. to taste her lips and rub her head with thier hands.. i hope someone worships her and treats her like shes never been treated.. she does deserve it.. and she deserved better then me.. she deserves someone more like her..

you know its an awesome feeling to be so close to someone and get to share a life with them even if it didnt last long...i am very thankful for all that i've gotten to feel.. how i felt when i gave her the ring.. how i felt when she looked in my eyes and promised to love me.. how we vowed to never leave one another.. those feelings were so wonderful to feel.. those words at that time had so much meaning and feeling. and even though our arms are empty at night.. i hold tight to all the good things i had.. all the things i did get to say to her and the things we did get to do together..

i just wrote an email to her work thanking her for the life i had with her.. i am truly greatful i got to meet her. love her. develope a very wonderful friendship. and even if we cant have any type of relationship i know that she will always have a piece of me.. and that piece was worth giving to her.

my thoughts are with her today.

This song plays steadily in my head

2004-06-03T15:19:05Z

Leave

It's amazing
how you make your face just like a wall
how you take your heart and turn it off
how I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
how just one move puts me by myself
there you go just trusting someone else
now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not saying
there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying
we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
straight out from underneath
then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out

It's aggravating
how you threw me on
and you tore me out
how your good intentions turn to doubt
the way you needed time to sort it out

Tell me is that how it's going to end
when you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
and the one you're leaving out

forget_lilly @ 2004-05-27T14:37:00

2004-05-27T18:41:17Z

last night was horrible
i guess because all i wanted was to be near her
to hold her and have her hold me i know
i have to face that i will never do that again
however it just doesnt feel right to give up.

happy birthday to me. i'm 26 today.
i'm no wiser nor do i have any answers to
the world so i know i need to grow i guess

"it only hurts when i breathe"

2 songs make me think about dana
1. the reason - hoobastank
2. like a stone - audioslave

well my pc is still broken im on my mothers
so i need to get off but i hope that everything works out however it is meant to.

"im sorry that i hurt you its something i must live with everyday"

forget_lilly @ 2004-05-24T14:00:00

2004-05-24T18:02:19Z

thanks for the messages
the support is greatly appreciated

ive been out looking for a job all day
there are a few things that look promising
but i really need to sit down
and figure out if this is where i need to be

life is crazy.

i went to church yesterday though
and i prayed at the alter
it felt nice to be what i felt was
closer to god

if anyone has any inspirational books
let me know i really need something to
pick me up.

forget_lilly @ 2004-05-22T23:08:00

2004-05-23T03:09:16Z

i probably wont be writing here anymore
as my life has taken a different direction
but if i chose to it wont be any time soon

just letting those who may care know.

if you dont here from me again
xo

forget_lilly @ 2004-05-20T13:27:00

2004-05-20T17:31:11Z

the last 2 weeks have been horrible
not only am i losing one of the best
parts of my life i'm moving back home to
a hell hole of a world

i guess everything happens for a reason
and i just want Dana to be happy

i cant say for sure that i feel
her choice is best but she is
the one who has to live with it
and im sure she will and im sure
she will be happy and i hope that for
her.

i just envisioned so much with her
and now all that is gone and it
hurts so bad

i dont know what is in store for me
tomorrow but im sure whatever it is
it will all work out

today im trying to be positive
because im lonely and scared